Friday, June 11, 2010

Green Acres is the Place for Me

I want this book. And there's and indie movie based on it, Red Dirt Rising.

I'm too lazy to come up with something original today (week, month fine, okay) so I want to share with you a tidbit from the Green Acres News & Astonisher. Names have been changed to protect me from imagined liability.

Usually, action at the local dirt track [Green Acres Speedway] is limited to Friday and Saturday nights. But this week was special:

"...the high-speed action was on Tuesday, when employees of a sprinkler service company decided to drink beer[s] and take a turn on Green Acres' dirt track, according to a Green Acre County Sheriff's office report. The report said Darryl Jr.,28, was riding home from work with his boss, Darryl, 40, [no relation. On second thought, I don't really know that] when they stopped and bought some beer[s].
... Darryl[s] decided to go to the Speedway. Some workers preparing the red dirt [I'm not up on the finer points of dirt-track. I'll have to find out if red dirt has special qualities. Other than being red, which by the way it's really red, which is pretty cool in it's own way] for Saturday's racing saw the work truck that Darryl and Darryl were in enter the racetrack, speed up, and lose control in turn two of the track.
[Did they make a complete lap, and then lose control? If so I'm impressed. But I'm thinking it's more likely that Turn Two was the first non-linear challenge they encountered.]
...The truck hit a wall and nearly hit a motor grader in the area, [just missed it by like, that much] and then left the track. [Intentionally? Or did they just get lost?].
...One of the track employees followed in another truck. The [miscreants'] work truck stopped outside the track and the track employee spoke with [shouted WTF you #$%*& morons? Is that you, Darryl? Does your mama know you're out here?] Darryl and Darryl, who then ran into the nearby woods. [When the track employee went to get the rifle from his gun rack. Plus, they really had to pee.]
...Deputies responding to the incident [were laughing their butts off as they] spoke to Darryl the younger [and slower. Or maybe just more drunker. Same thing] who, according to the report, "was very unsteady on his feet and the odor of an alcoholic beverage was emanating from his person."
[I think we're going to invite this deputy to dinner. I greatly admire that sentence.]
...Damage to the [miscreants' employer's] truck was estimated at $10,000. [Make that unemployed miscreants]. There was no damage to the race track. [Dirt, wait, red dirt, and concrete. Check. Thank God they didn't total the motor grader, or there would have been serious hell to pay. Haven't even finished paying that off yet. They'd a had to go to Darryl's mama with that, and you know she would have fried his bacon but good, especially after that thing right before Easter, run his sister's ATV off the boat ramp at the river? 'Member that? Damn.]
...The report said a deputy talked to Darryl the elder [and faster] by phone. [Mama answered but they didn't mention why they were calling, figured he had enough trouble already. So he'll be buying a few extra plates of barbecue at the next fundraiser]. Darryl admitted to driving the truck and was also charged with trespassing.